whoever said it would be easy?

today i told a friend of mine that i’m not sure i want to be gay anymore. life seemed easier when i was “straight”…

 

i’m fairly sure i don’t mean that, but because i was straight for so long, i was used to everything that came with the territory. i knew how to be and how to behave and and and…

 

today i felt completely overwhelmed with homosexuality. it may have something to do with limited mental headspace due to all the thinking i’m having to do about work-life. it may have to do with going to 4 of the out in africa movies in 2 days – and hence being surrounded by many examples of the “new me”… coming face to face with the “new me”… and not quite knowing how to feel and react…

 

from some of my straight friends worrying about whether they need to compete with some of my new gay friends…. about me not wanting to lose meaningful long-time friendships with people that happen to be heterosexual… from worrying about how to proceed with a second date. if i want. if i’m being too picky. coming out doesn’t magically make everything in life dead-easy… even if life as a whole feels more real…

 

but this week has just been feeling like an onslaught of my ‘new’ world, and i suppose i’m still in that transition phase, where i need some days where it is not all about being gay.

 

i suppose that’s what bugs me – so often with other homosexuals, it’s a constant talk about being gay. it wasn’t like that before – a constant talking about being straight. that is by far not the only thing that defines me.

 

well, i keep learning J

 

what bugged me today: not knowing how to react during a time of intense grief of a colleague

 

what i learnt today: that asking someone nicely about not using all-caps in e-mails, can have the desired effect J

 

what i am grateful for: meaningful friendships

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