i love it rough

i love it rough

the waves at mouille point on a stormy winter day in cape town – huge waves with lots of foam and massive spray crashing over the promenade – my absolute best. makes you appreciate the forces of nature and water.

and that’s how i ended daylight on the second good day in a row – leo and i went for a ‘walk & talk’. it’s one of my favourite things – going for a walk on the promenade or lion’s head after work, as the sun slowly drops into the atlantic… and to talk about anything or nothing with a good friend.

since i started this about 5 or 6 years ago, i have tried to do a walk once a week. many weeks i have not got it together, for various reasons, but leo, stef & johanna and i have been through so much on these walks… several job changes, relationships, ideas, funny stories, good books or movies, snacks up on high, baby ronja, a laugh, a cry… it is one of the most wonderful ways to spend time with a caring friend.

i miss stef, johanna and ronja so much. they moved to vienna in april, and i cried the last time i saw pics of them. i miss them always being there for you, always up for an adventure – not matter how big or small. for including ronja in their life since she was born, instead of changing there life completely for her like some new parents do. i miss seeing her smile. i miss seeing her walk. i miss seeing her point at things she likes.

luckily leo is still around, and i hope that he and i will get in the habit of walking more often again. it’s so good for the soul.

i told him about how it feels to go on a date with a girl, and how it feels different now to get excited for a date with a boy. what i miss about being with a girl. what i’m afraid of in being with a boy in the future.

i really enjoyed our walk today – thank you. it was also awesome bumping into my brother patrick on the promenade, purely by chance.

i’m so excited for tomorrow night: rahima has arranged for a few of her gay friends to arrange a night of clubbing, to ‘take me under their wing’ and show me a good time. it’s so sweet of her & them – i just need to finalise my outfit tomorrow before rehearsal!

my mind is a jumble because there is so much i want to write about, but it doesn’t all have to be today.

at the moment though, when i’m not stressing at work, or at a barefoot in the park rehearsal, my mind is occupied with one of 2 things. either reading or thinking about my whole coming out, and how it has changed me.

therapy has been a wonderful thing. i was so afraid of it. actually not of therapy itself, but rather of what i knew would come out – literally. that’s why i was always so against the idea.

now-a-days, i often catch myself analysing my thoughts more often. i used to dream about 6 times a year. now i have more dreams. i’ve had more erotic dreams in the last 4 months than in the whole rest of my life. i am coming to terms with my “new” / “real” identity, and what that means. what it allows to me think, without feeling guilty. what i can say, without feeling guilty afterwards. what i can say  without stopping myself. of looking at guys, and thinking, consciously, ‘wow, he’s cute’.

it still feels weird sometimes. i still struggle to say” i am gay” – even to write that phrase has been odd for me. maybe because the word “gay” has so many conotations in society, many of which i don’t relate to. because i don’t like being in a box. because i haven’t had a boyfriend yet. because. because. because.

but, like my best friend at high school, neil, told me when he came out – it really really is a weight off your shoulders.

but life doesn’t suddenly all fall into place. the day to day problems don’t go away. you don’t suddenly wake up and find a man in your bed. but you have one less thing to worry about. to pretend about. and that is fucking awesome. you can get excited about a date, because you want to put your hand on his leg. not get worried during the date, because “by when does she expect me to put my hand on her leg?”. you don’t want do it. but in order to live the his ‘n hers white-picket-fence life, you need to suss out the situation, and do a few things you don’t really want to.

i do miss some aspects of my straight life. but i don’t miss it at all. and above all, i am grateful for my friends and there positive reactions. every single one of them. not a single negative reaction.

i hope i keep choosing them so well even now that i am gay.

what bugged me today: the insensitive comments that certain people make in the presence of those it offends.

what i learnt today: how happy i am that those oh-so-cute guys won the Amazing Race – well done Tyler & James

what i am grateful for: friends & family

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