life & love

how old are you? and how old do you actually feel?

 

i’m thirty-five. but i certainly don’t feel the way i imagined someone of 3.5 decades should feel when i thought about it years ago.

 

today my age kind of came under the spotlight.

 

we had a wellness day at the office. this means that someone from our medical aid comes along and measures a few vital stats, tells you to eat 5 veg & fruit a day, drink 2 litres of liquids, and watch a few other things. a lot of blah blah.

 

but certainly a few things to think about. my random cholesterol of 4 is fine. my blood pressure of 130 over 80 (despite having been in a temper shortly before) was good. my random glucose measurement of 7,2 is not good. (can i blame it on the muffin i had an hour before?). and my bmi of 26,1 is not to my liking at all. of course, it doesn’t help that i couldn’t take my clothes off. i don’t usually weigh myself with clothes and shoes on, so until this point i’d never actually weighed more than 79kg before. but it certainly brought a few points home.

 

age now prevents me from staying slim without trying. i’m going to need to find a way to motivate myself to work at that.

 

from next week i will once again be walking up lion’s head once a week after work. on mondays. if the weather is not good, then on tuesday. and if the weather is still not good then on wednesdays. anyone wanting to join me is welcome. it is so therapeutic in so many ways.

 

this evening i went to fish hoek for dinner with some friends whose daughter is turning 14 tomorrow. we had a lovely dinner at a seafood restaurant (yep! i’m a fish eater!) with the parents (my age), the daughters of 14 and almost 16, and the little boy of 5. we had a great time at dinner talking about growing up, about whether we could remember anything from when we were 7. a said she could, j said she couldn’t and when we asked k, at 5 years old, what he remembered from being 7, he said, “the presents!” this may have been influenced by the fact that he had just received his birthday present from me for his big day that was 10 days ago…

 

back home we had one of those awesome discussions about life – from politics through work and financial challenges. right down to the moment when we all acknowledged that yes, we agree. we are becoming more like our parents and grand parents.

 

about how much better things were in our youth. about how lazy the kids of today are. about how they are not learning anything. about how google is making them stupid. is making us all stupid. and lazy.

 

we talked about love. and how it changes over the years when you’re with someone. and my realization that i don’t think i’ve actually ever loved someone completely. i haven’t actually had the feeling that when the person i thought i loved is not nearby, that all i want is to be in there presence. to have them close by.

 

sure i have missed people. and i love my friends to bits. would do almost anything for them all. but yearned for someone? ached for that someone to be in my arms instead of far away?

 

honestly, i don’t think so.

 

i hope that i shall experience that. that i will meet that someone who will allow me to not fear losing my independence. that someone who will not allow me to lose my independence. that someone who will allow me to feel complete.

 

ok, i’m getting soppy. but it was a moment of clarity for me realizing all of this. together with my age. and how much i have yet to experience.

 

but you know what? i had a great day.

 

 

what bugged me today: south african airways call centre

 

what i learnt today: that hannah montana is the daughter of billy ray cyrus. whatever.

 

what i am grateful for: seeing the kids of my friends growing up

so many thoughts

one of the things i love about visiting my parents is the welcome i get from the 2 dogs ms sophie and jacqui. they are always so happy to see me – so much in fact that i only greet jacqui outside because she widdles every time – and this complete unconditional love is so wonderful. i often wish i could have a dog as well, but it wouldn’t be fair, i’m not home enough in the evenings. and while a cat would be ok, i’m not sure i’m enough of a cat person. having another presence in the home would great – and i’m absolutely not prepared to let that be a goldfish, bird or hamster…

 

of course, my parents also give me that love, which is why i like to visit them too. i don’t think i pop in often enough sometimes, and tell them how much they mean to me.

 

i became aware of that again today, for 2 reasons:

a very close friend of mine’s dad is in intensive care with pneumonia… he’s had a very poor spell lately, in and out of hospital. she’s had an up & down relationship with him, but when it comes down to it, that love is there.

 

a colleague-friend of mine had her engagement party last night. her gran died yesterday afternoon; but the party went on. she said she wasn’t very close to her, and she was ok. but today i’ve been sms’ing with her and she is obviously very sad. at 23, this is the first family member of her’s to die. so here i have been giving advise on how she can deal with it. it’ something i enjoy doing – being there for others and helping them.

 

it can be lonely though if it feels that others don’t help you back. which may be caused by my stubbornness to ask for help. because the few times that i have asked for help, it has been great how forthcoming friends and family are. but i digress…

 

my helping this friend of mine, brought so many issues to the fore in my head again. seeing as i enjoy helping others like this, should i not have gone into psychology? but having had an aversion to it for so many years, it was not an option for me. not that it’s ever too late.

 

it also made me realize that i am grown up. i don’t know about you. but i don’t feel like i think i should feel at 35. it sounds older, and that i should be so much more… maturer? knowledgeable? in a way i still feel like i did when i was in my early twenties. yes, i know more, but how should i be behaving?

 

i clearly remember the day i realized i was now grown-up. it was in my first apartment after moving out of house in cape town, and i was having a few friends over for dinner. i had set the table & cooked dinner, and while i was pouring red wine that i had bought into glasses that belonged to me on a dining-room table that was mine, in a flat that i was renting, all this for my friends, that i realized that i was grown up. it was quite a lightbulb moment.

i had a similar one tonight. i’m sitting on my couch in the house that i own (ok, co-own with the bank) and apart from sms’ing life advice to a younger friend, i have a beautiful lamp in the corner of the room, am listening to bizet on the cd player, and reading a book about levi’s in south america, and what the usa has done in those parts of the world. i don’t know if i’ve described it well enough, but for someone who is still not sure they have found the job they wanna do for the rest of their life, it all feels disconcertingly grown up.

 

and that’s something else i was thinking about backstage today. in between pressing the doorbell buzzer for the antics on stage (which are much improved, and forging ahead beautifully!).

i had had another emergency call on my phone from a colleague, and it made me think again about the corporate world versus the non-corporate world. until i started work at my current company in ’06, i had only worked in small offices of 3 to 5 people. in one case i even thought i owned part of the business, and worked accordingly.

 

i had always been afraid of the corporate world. of it sucking the morals out of you. of you becoming a only a number. a number in pursuit of bigger numbers with a currency in front. for the corporation, not necessarily yourself. so when i started with this one, i was hesitant, but interested. and, it being a newish company, it still had some of the “family values” of a smaller startup.

 

but as it has grown by about 50% in my time there, so the dynamics have changed. i find us being encouraged to chase the bigger profits. i found an employee number i didn’t realize i had on the new-look pay-slip last month. occasionally i find myself feeling a little uncomfortable with this or that.

 

don’t get me wrong, there are distinct advantages to the corporate world. i have learnt a hell of a lot. i like the stability of a regular monthly income. i like the fact that i have had a bonus 2 years running. i have made some friends there. and i have had other managers to bounce ideas off of.

 

but what i was thinking today was – which do i really want? that which i described above? or a life where i am doing more of what i love, even if i need to learn some of it (and i do love learning). but where the stability (ultimately: monthly money) is maybe a little lower. i think i would love to earn a salary by writing, doing photography, incorporating some form of travel, just for starters.

 

once of the reasons i have so terribly enjoyed being in the theatre again since a year ago, is that the people you interact with are so much more interesting than the ones in the corporate workplace. there are fascinating conversations, debates. a sense of creating something together. and yes, the latter can be found at the office as well, to a degree, but it is different.

 

i know that i am fairly risk averse when it comes to finances, which is probably a big reason for never having ventured out on my own. but isn’t life about doing what you want, rather than only what you need to? i find clock-watching pay-slip waiting employees the saddest. they spend 8 hours a day in a place they really don’t want to be. only for a paycheck on the 25^th. even if i don’t necessarily like what i am doing, i find i must throw myself into it, so that i have a sense of ownership and purpose.

ok, those are just some thoughts, and i don’t want to depress myself tonight, because i have had a good day, even if it was mostly ‘work’ of some sort at the theatre.

 

what bugged me today: nothing really J

 

what i learnt today: how to set up water for a tap to function on stage

 

what i am grateful for: for my parents & brothers – i love you.

happy birthday madiba!

today is the birthday of one of the world’s true gentlemen. true to his convictions, tolerant of others, and respectful – always. what an example he has set!

yep, nelson mandela is 90 today. i am so very very happy for him, that he has had so many years post-prison to spend with his family and loved ones. and that he found love again. i only hope he turns at least 100 – so that his post-prison years outnumber his in-prison years.

i remember so clearly the weekend he was released… i was on a school camp at “froggy pond” in simon’s town, and on the saturday evening (10 feb 1990) i got a call on the call box from my mom. yep – the height of embarassment in many circles – mom calling you at camp!

when i told my friends what i had been told – that mandela would be released the next day – i was not believed. not surprising really, considering the ‘hate’ that had been spread about this ‘evil’ man – no-one had seen a picture of him since the 60s - but considering in hindsight what was happening that month, it was not surprising.

anyway, next morning we were collected much earlier that initially planned, and my folks took us to the grand parade in the centre of cape town – he was to address us capetonians from the balcony of the city hall.

i’m sure that the grand parade has never in its history before or since, had so many people on it, all hopefully watching the city hall. it was a fantastic mood – so many south africans of all colours awaiting their hero -you wouldn’t be there if you didn’t admire him- and wanting to be a part of history. youngsters climbing up the sides of buildings, the throngs pushing forward to get ever closer, the anticipation growing, but everyone remarkably patient. the odd scuffle, but nothing to worry about.

just plain unadulterated anticipation & excitement to see this remarkable man live.

i remember which palm tree i was standing next to, i remember the clear blue sky, above all i remember the electric happiness and excitement.

in the end, we left before he arrived – we had stood there for several hours – and we watched his release on the TV. convenient, but not the same.

and that was but the beginning of a very exciting journey in our history. i’m glad to have been even a small part of it.