where were you today?

I went to so many places today. It was one of those interesting days that don’t come around too often, where you have so many different experiences, emotions and frames of minds it’s almost dizzying.

It started off with going to bed at around 05h00, in a dressing gown in a 5 star hotel bed. They were throwing a wicked party, this hotel, and when I could see that their open bar was getting the better of me, I managed to get a room, for which I am eternally grateful. I actually only got to it at around 3, and into the bed itself after 2 hours of chatting.

With the chat-mate having departed, I was left with my now smoky party clothes and a chilly winter night. So I donned the fluffy white dressing gown – thank heavens for small mercies in 5 star establishments!

4 hours later, sleep no longer possible, I acknowledged my throbbing head and dry mouth with some water. I got back into bed, flicked on the TV and spent half an hour watching animated cows named Ben & Otis and an animated rapper mouse sing in a barn. It was remarkably captivating.

After a shower and checking out, I found myself driving in circles in Green Point, struggling to decide where to get a greasy breakfast to absorb the traces of bubbly and vodka. I finally decided on a spot in Mouille Point, where the seeming inability of the staff to bring a requested glass of water was not really helping my headache much…

Nonetheless, internally greased, I lowered the roof on my chariot, and headed home for a quick nap. This was, however, quickly replaced by trying to find a lost child. I struggle to sleep during the day, even if I’m exhausted, so I figured that turning pages in the world of kidnappers and cops was a better idea. It’s not the best book, but it’s very readable, and I was quickly engrossed in the story of a mother trying to find her son while the police think she is cop-killer.

My pre-set alarm went off just after noon, and an hour later I was 20km away in Muizenberg, interacting with theatre patrons. Not only do I love working with money (I could count coins all day!), but to sell tickets and programmes to people coming to support amateur theatre is very rewarding, especially if you’re part of a fun team making sure we have plenty of laughs. Everyone was coming to have a good time, so combined with the sunny weather outside, everyone was in a great mood – and there was plenty of good natured bantering going on.

Next thing I find myself back with the kidnapper and killer-mom, back in my bed desperate for nap before the evening’s activities. She gets her kid back unharmed and I fade out into la-la land.

The cellphone alarm yanks me out of a dream that I instantly forget. I know it was interesting and quite involved, but I can’t remember anything except funny hand movements (I think…). I’m not very good at remembering dreams…

And just 20 minutes later I’m at a traffic light, roof still down, Edith Piaf’s “Non, je ne regrette rien” playing loudly. It’s a piece of music that makes me particularly happy and makes me smile involuntarily. And a piece of music that makes me car conduct. This is when there is a small orchestra sitting on your dashboard, not far from the CD player, which you need to conduct. One or both of your fore-fingers become the conductor’s baton, and you’re really feeling the music in your whole being.

And the cars next to you, of course, are either quietly amused, or pretending to ignore you, or driving so far forward at the intersection that they can get away from this madman as quickly as possible when the lights change. But hey, I’m living the moment, and loving it.

Not long after that I have moved from the French tunes to German cuisine – we’re having great beer and sausages with potato salad at the German place in the Waterfront, and catching up with great friends.

Next thing, I’m sitting in the dark, in disbelief. Hands in front of my face, not quite believing what I’m seeing. This interspersed with the occasional belly laugh, before moving back to incredulity.

That is what Brüno does to you. The movie of so much hype and so little taste. No one is safe.

I like playing devil’s advocate myself, stirring a little from time to time to get a reaction out of people. Blurting out that which is least expected. It’s gotten me into an embarrassing, awkward or regretful situation on occasion. But this is just so in your face offensive. It’s quite a good social commentary though, and that may be part of the reason why it is so uncomfortable.

Followed by more sedate coffee mocha and people watching, I now sit at home writing this to the strains of Putamayo’s “Mali” cd in the background…

All in a day… the places one goes

so many thoughts

one of the things i love about visiting my parents is the welcome i get from the 2 dogs ms sophie and jacqui. they are always so happy to see me – so much in fact that i only greet jacqui outside because she widdles every time – and this complete unconditional love is so wonderful. i often wish i could have a dog as well, but it wouldn’t be fair, i’m not home enough in the evenings. and while a cat would be ok, i’m not sure i’m enough of a cat person. having another presence in the home would great – and i’m absolutely not prepared to let that be a goldfish, bird or hamster…

 

of course, my parents also give me that love, which is why i like to visit them too. i don’t think i pop in often enough sometimes, and tell them how much they mean to me.

 

i became aware of that again today, for 2 reasons:

a very close friend of mine’s dad is in intensive care with pneumonia… he’s had a very poor spell lately, in and out of hospital. she’s had an up & down relationship with him, but when it comes down to it, that love is there.

 

a colleague-friend of mine had her engagement party last night. her gran died yesterday afternoon; but the party went on. she said she wasn’t very close to her, and she was ok. but today i’ve been sms’ing with her and she is obviously very sad. at 23, this is the first family member of her’s to die. so here i have been giving advise on how she can deal with it. it’ something i enjoy doing – being there for others and helping them.

 

it can be lonely though if it feels that others don’t help you back. which may be caused by my stubbornness to ask for help. because the few times that i have asked for help, it has been great how forthcoming friends and family are. but i digress…

 

my helping this friend of mine, brought so many issues to the fore in my head again. seeing as i enjoy helping others like this, should i not have gone into psychology? but having had an aversion to it for so many years, it was not an option for me. not that it’s ever too late.

 

it also made me realize that i am grown up. i don’t know about you. but i don’t feel like i think i should feel at 35. it sounds older, and that i should be so much more… maturer? knowledgeable? in a way i still feel like i did when i was in my early twenties. yes, i know more, but how should i be behaving?

 

i clearly remember the day i realized i was now grown-up. it was in my first apartment after moving out of house in cape town, and i was having a few friends over for dinner. i had set the table & cooked dinner, and while i was pouring red wine that i had bought into glasses that belonged to me on a dining-room table that was mine, in a flat that i was renting, all this for my friends, that i realized that i was grown up. it was quite a lightbulb moment.

i had a similar one tonight. i’m sitting on my couch in the house that i own (ok, co-own with the bank) and apart from sms’ing life advice to a younger friend, i have a beautiful lamp in the corner of the room, am listening to bizet on the cd player, and reading a book about levi’s in south america, and what the usa has done in those parts of the world. i don’t know if i’ve described it well enough, but for someone who is still not sure they have found the job they wanna do for the rest of their life, it all feels disconcertingly grown up.

 

and that’s something else i was thinking about backstage today. in between pressing the doorbell buzzer for the antics on stage (which are much improved, and forging ahead beautifully!).

i had had another emergency call on my phone from a colleague, and it made me think again about the corporate world versus the non-corporate world. until i started work at my current company in ’06, i had only worked in small offices of 3 to 5 people. in one case i even thought i owned part of the business, and worked accordingly.

 

i had always been afraid of the corporate world. of it sucking the morals out of you. of you becoming a only a number. a number in pursuit of bigger numbers with a currency in front. for the corporation, not necessarily yourself. so when i started with this one, i was hesitant, but interested. and, it being a newish company, it still had some of the “family values” of a smaller startup.

 

but as it has grown by about 50% in my time there, so the dynamics have changed. i find us being encouraged to chase the bigger profits. i found an employee number i didn’t realize i had on the new-look pay-slip last month. occasionally i find myself feeling a little uncomfortable with this or that.

 

don’t get me wrong, there are distinct advantages to the corporate world. i have learnt a hell of a lot. i like the stability of a regular monthly income. i like the fact that i have had a bonus 2 years running. i have made some friends there. and i have had other managers to bounce ideas off of.

 

but what i was thinking today was – which do i really want? that which i described above? or a life where i am doing more of what i love, even if i need to learn some of it (and i do love learning). but where the stability (ultimately: monthly money) is maybe a little lower. i think i would love to earn a salary by writing, doing photography, incorporating some form of travel, just for starters.

 

once of the reasons i have so terribly enjoyed being in the theatre again since a year ago, is that the people you interact with are so much more interesting than the ones in the corporate workplace. there are fascinating conversations, debates. a sense of creating something together. and yes, the latter can be found at the office as well, to a degree, but it is different.

 

i know that i am fairly risk averse when it comes to finances, which is probably a big reason for never having ventured out on my own. but isn’t life about doing what you want, rather than only what you need to? i find clock-watching pay-slip waiting employees the saddest. they spend 8 hours a day in a place they really don’t want to be. only for a paycheck on the 25^th. even if i don’t necessarily like what i am doing, i find i must throw myself into it, so that i have a sense of ownership and purpose.

ok, those are just some thoughts, and i don’t want to depress myself tonight, because i have had a good day, even if it was mostly ‘work’ of some sort at the theatre.

 

what bugged me today: nothing really J

 

what i learnt today: how to set up water for a tap to function on stage

 

what i am grateful for: for my parents & brothers – i love you.

a night out – preparation

red wine

lindt chilli chocolate

manu chau on the stereo

 

and then it happened

 

the movie moment

 

the doing-a-silly-dance-while-trying-to-gell-your-hair-into-an-“i didn’t style this”-look in front of the mirror…

 

had a good laugh at myself J

 

and now for a great night out – can’t wait to hit the town with the boys. And this is different to what it meant when i said it as a straight man.

 

what bugged me today: the early morning wake up by the emergency phone

 

what I learnt today: that hope is one of the most positive things to have

 

what I am grateful for: that I can still hope

 

so that’s what a good day feels like!

on reflection, i actually had a good day today. if it sounds like i am surprised, i am. the week had all the indications that it was going to be a shocker, and in many ways it was.

today was not though.

why?

maybe it was because i realised when a relatively good bad was about to become bad. i was totally conscious of the moment, and can still feel it if i think about it. let me describe the moment for you.

i had one of my star employees have her last day with us today – lots of last minute things for her to do and hand over.

my new 2 newest employees are both off sick at the moment.

all of this leaves me with quite a lot to do – my work, their work, and a couple of other people’s work – mainly because i still can’t say no sometimes.

so when i received 3 e-mails at the same time, all with a bright red ! in front of them, from the same person with “help help help” in the subject line, i began to feel it.

when the realisation that the plan i had for the day to get through all my stuff had just gone out the window, that’s when it happened.

my body temperature instantly rose what felt like 5 degrees centigrade. i needed to remove my jersey jut to be able to think clearly.

then i took a breath. walked to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee. came back and re-prioritised.

now, this may sound like an overreaction to a mere 3 e-mails, but of course it is only a snapshot of what was on my desk at the time. an aside to all the questions being asked of me by co-workers. all the solutions being required of me by my team.

but i am proud of how i handled it. that i didn’t flip out or lose control of my day. it helped that at about that time i realised it was thursday today and not only tuesday.

i got most things done, and will deal with the rest (and some surprised, no doubt) tomorrow.

but i was aware, and that’s important.

as for the rehearsal we had tonight – i see that we have a show in the making!

some of you may know that i’ve been on stage a few times, so when  i was asked if i could be production secretary and stage manager for this show, my initial reaction was that i actually wanted to be on stage – none of this backstage business.

but then i thought about it and accepted that yes this is a good idea if i might want to direct one day. 2 friend this year have now planted the “direct something someday” seed. it’s not a seed that’s had any water or fertilizer in the past.

and i am really enjoying it! it’s hard work, takes up a lot of time, and is certainly more enjoyable after a good day than after a rotten day. and tonight i remembered to step back mentally and see us all working towards making barefoot in the park a reality

what bugged me today: my boss’s reaction to my employee’s decision to leave. but that’s his choice, and he must live with it.

what i learnt today: that while in most fizzy drinks like coke and fanta the gaseous bubbles are white or clear, in the  bright orange, sugar-infested “pine whizz” pineapple flavoured liquid we drank today, the bubbles are the same bright orange as the drink. i’ve never seen that before an it’s freaky man!

what i am grateful for: seeing the benefits in myself of having invested in visiting a therapist the last few months – boy has it made a difference!

…

!#$%^&*

 

what pee’d me off today: clients that are undecisive and want everything for nothing. and then when they get it, change their mind at 22h30 for something planned for 09h00 the next morning. all because they can get it R30 cheaper… don’t waste my time, because i might just stop caring, and then the service i give is nowhere near as good…

what i learnt today: that i am the one who chooses whether i am going to remain upset or not. and that sometimes, though, i will get upset even if i don’t want to. and that sometimes i want to remain pissed off

what i am grateful for: my good friends sheldon & rene & little noah, that are there for me whatever. oh to be 7 months old again…