did i really say that?

“what on earth made me say that? i never liked hearing it when i was younger… how daft of me…”

 

that was my internal you’re-getting-older-now realization which i had today. that moment when you realize that it must be natural, but no less embarrassing, to be turning into the older people of your youth.

 

i’d just uttered a variation of those few words that are dreaded by any person younger than the utterer:

 

“the last time is saw you”, i said, “you were just yay high,” is always, as it was in this case, accompanied by a hand that is held level with the ground at about hip height for the duration of the time it takes to say “yay high”.

 

and, as it was in my youth, so it was today, followed by a blank, yet friendly, expression on the face of the recipient, not quite hiding the and-how-do-you-expect-me-to-respond-to-that-i-don’t-even-know-you thoughts whirling in his head.

 

i was the older guy, and it was a bit of a wake-up call.

 

there are events in one’s life that remind you of the passing of time. the natural progression from one state of age to the next. and no matter how much one doesn’t want that to happen, no matter how much one still thinks of oneself as 10 years younger internally (don’t we all…), it will happen.

 

that was my moment today.

 

i will need to work harder at being younger then.

 

 

saturday night

tonight i almost went on a date.

 

some weeks ago my brother patrick sent me a message asking if i wanted to meet a nice guy – no pressure, just a nice guy. i said that would be great – as long as it’s not a blind-date situation but rather a ‘group’ setting.

 

patrick and i arranged to catch up tonight, and when we finally chatted this afternoon to see what we were going to do, he mentioned that he had bumped into ’nice guy’ today, and invited him to join us tonight – and he hoped that was ok with me. i said it was, of course.

and it is then that i realized just how exciting this was – my first ‘date’! i was so nervous and excited and trying to be relaxed at the same time. I was trying to balance looking like i was spending an evening with my brother, and yet still looking nice… not easy when I had just moved into the house I am housesitting tonight… so i ended up going home to get a pair of jeans…. and then going back to the house to get a jersey i had taken there…so much for not being worried about looks…  did i mention i’m indecisive??

 

i also realized that with age one is able to analyse one’s feelings as one is actually feeling them… so for the first time i was properly excited about meeting someone for the first time…like what i imagine a teenager would be.

i realized for the first time that before most of my dates with women in the past, i was not feeling the excitement and aniticipation that i felt tonight. it was more of a ‘can i pull it off’ feeling in the past… and while i realize now that i was kind of aware of that, i was still in denial about it all, and thought that that is what i was supposed to feel.

today’s feeling was so much more exciting and positive!

 

in the end he couldn’t make it tonight (with a legit reason), which was a little bit of a let down after my anticipation, but it was ok. i’m still adapting to all of this slowly.

 

we ended up spending the evening with mel and mykl – and had some fun discussions about all sorts of things. just the type of evening i needed after spending the day painting the outside of my house!

 

that was so tiring – the joy of it wore off after only about an hour, so i did about a third of what i hoped to do, but it looks wonderful. i don’t like yellow walls, so this is a great change!!!

 

what pissed me off today:  hotel staff that don’t understand the meaning of the word ‘urgent’ – especially when i am trying to find clients that should have left an hour ago

 

what  learnt today:  that painting the outside of a house with older (and therefore thicker) paint is a tedious affair

 

what I am grateful for today:  my brother Patrick – i love him for his unconditional support and good times together