kind words… so powerful

i got 2 beautiful messages from friends of mine that i haven’t seen in a very long time.

 

i’ve made contact with them through facebook again, and both have spotted on it that i have come out. “a” told me that she had meant to write for a while, but that she was happy for me, and realized i must have gone through a tough time lately. from her comments, i thought she had read the blog, but i’m sure not…

 

“i”, in germany, was here a few years ago, and shared my apartment with me. we had a real connection, and i think she was falling for me. while i really liked her, it is the first time i was aware that i didn’t want to break her heart, and i came so so close to telling her that i thought i was gay. we took a few walks on camps bay beach in the evenings, and had wonderful chats. but i didn’t tell her. she was upset and didn’t understand me (little did she know that i didn’t understand myself either), and was quite hurt byt the time she left. i think one of my last comments was that maybe one day she would understand why i couldn’t commit to anything with her. and then i went inside myself, and buried it all even deeper. for another good 7 years or so.

 

and now we found each other through a mutual friend on facebook, and she sent me the most wonderful message, that she is so glad, and that so much makes sense now, after the hurt of losing this friendship. and that she sends me a huge hug. i have obviously para-phrased here, but it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. thank you “i”.

 

i so love my motorbike… whizzing past the standing-still-traffic, keeping my eyes peeled for those that don’t look before they change lanes, and keeping my fuel bill low. makes me smile J

 

what bugged me today: bad service in the supermarket

 

what i learnt today: that insurance companies are probably colluding… otherwise how would a different company know my current premium? mmmhhh

 

what i am grateful for: planning a holiday – no matter how short – and how exciting that can be!

i can actually say i’m happy right now

… and long may it last!

i’ve had a lekker weekend – despite trying to sleep late yesterday and today, but instead being woken by or about the same clients…

last night’s hitting the town was great. it was super spending time with some of rahima’s friends – she rallied some of her gay friends together to help show me a night on the town. after a super skyscraper burger at manhattan’s we hit the clubs. a cocktail at loft lounge (the barman must have been on something, it’s never taken that long to get a drink!) and then beulah bar for a while, before hitting the bronx – the oldest and still most popular gay club in town.

it was so good to be there with friends – with guys who i have something more in common with, and with whom i can perve other guys on the dance floor. it was quite an evening. it was really a ttal

especially the ending – trust a woman’s breast to be the end of the evening for me.

my first night on the town as a gay man, and a woman needing to go breast-feed is the reason i need to leave at 02h30… anyway, at least i didn’t have a hangover for the set building today. it took a long time, but we made a lot of progress. and now i am exhausted.

 

what bugged me today: realising again that i may have a mild persecution complex. need to look into that.

what i learnt today:  a lot about set-building!

what i am grateful for: that i have a roof over my head (which does leak from time to time) – and that i am not homeless

a night out – preparation

red wine

lindt chilli chocolate

manu chau on the stereo

 

and then it happened

 

the movie moment

 

the doing-a-silly-dance-while-trying-to-gell-your-hair-into-an-“i didn’t style this”-look in front of the mirror…

 

had a good laugh at myself J

 

and now for a great night out – can’t wait to hit the town with the boys. And this is different to what it meant when i said it as a straight man.

 

what bugged me today: the early morning wake up by the emergency phone

 

what I learnt today: that hope is one of the most positive things to have

 

what I am grateful for: that I can still hope

 

i love it rough

i love it rough

the waves at mouille point on a stormy winter day in cape town – huge waves with lots of foam and massive spray crashing over the promenade – my absolute best. makes you appreciate the forces of nature and water.

and that’s how i ended daylight on the second good day in a row – leo and i went for a ‘walk & talk’. it’s one of my favourite things – going for a walk on the promenade or lion’s head after work, as the sun slowly drops into the atlantic… and to talk about anything or nothing with a good friend.

since i started this about 5 or 6 years ago, i have tried to do a walk once a week. many weeks i have not got it together, for various reasons, but leo, stef & johanna and i have been through so much on these walks… several job changes, relationships, ideas, funny stories, good books or movies, snacks up on high, baby ronja, a laugh, a cry… it is one of the most wonderful ways to spend time with a caring friend.

i miss stef, johanna and ronja so much. they moved to vienna in april, and i cried the last time i saw pics of them. i miss them always being there for you, always up for an adventure – not matter how big or small. for including ronja in their life since she was born, instead of changing there life completely for her like some new parents do. i miss seeing her smile. i miss seeing her walk. i miss seeing her point at things she likes.

luckily leo is still around, and i hope that he and i will get in the habit of walking more often again. it’s so good for the soul.

i told him about how it feels to go on a date with a girl, and how it feels different now to get excited for a date with a boy. what i miss about being with a girl. what i’m afraid of in being with a boy in the future.

i really enjoyed our walk today – thank you. it was also awesome bumping into my brother patrick on the promenade, purely by chance.

i’m so excited for tomorrow night: rahima has arranged for a few of her gay friends to arrange a night of clubbing, to ‘take me under their wing’ and show me a good time. it’s so sweet of her & them – i just need to finalise my outfit tomorrow before rehearsal!

my mind is a jumble because there is so much i want to write about, but it doesn’t all have to be today.

at the moment though, when i’m not stressing at work, or at a barefoot in the park rehearsal, my mind is occupied with one of 2 things. either reading or thinking about my whole coming out, and how it has changed me.

therapy has been a wonderful thing. i was so afraid of it. actually not of therapy itself, but rather of what i knew would come out – literally. that’s why i was always so against the idea.

now-a-days, i often catch myself analysing my thoughts more often. i used to dream about 6 times a year. now i have more dreams. i’ve had more erotic dreams in the last 4 months than in the whole rest of my life. i am coming to terms with my “new” / “real” identity, and what that means. what it allows to me think, without feeling guilty. what i can say, without feeling guilty afterwards. what i can say  without stopping myself. of looking at guys, and thinking, consciously, ‘wow, he’s cute’.

it still feels weird sometimes. i still struggle to say” i am gay” – even to write that phrase has been odd for me. maybe because the word “gay” has so many conotations in society, many of which i don’t relate to. because i don’t like being in a box. because i haven’t had a boyfriend yet. because. because. because.

but, like my best friend at high school, neil, told me when he came out – it really really is a weight off your shoulders.

but life doesn’t suddenly all fall into place. the day to day problems don’t go away. you don’t suddenly wake up and find a man in your bed. but you have one less thing to worry about. to pretend about. and that is fucking awesome. you can get excited about a date, because you want to put your hand on his leg. not get worried during the date, because “by when does she expect me to put my hand on her leg?”. you don’t want do it. but in order to live the his ‘n hers white-picket-fence life, you need to suss out the situation, and do a few things you don’t really want to.

i do miss some aspects of my straight life. but i don’t miss it at all. and above all, i am grateful for my friends and there positive reactions. every single one of them. not a single negative reaction.

i hope i keep choosing them so well even now that i am gay.

what bugged me today: the insensitive comments that certain people make in the presence of those it offends.

what i learnt today: how happy i am that those oh-so-cute guys won the Amazing Race – well done Tyler & James

what i am grateful for: friends & family