Well, thanks to my “cousin” Christina when we met in Berlin, I’m starting the Project 365 – Picture a day project again. What made me do this is that I played the entire sequence of 400-odd photos from my first year on a continuous loop at my birthday party. And the awesome thing is that you immediately remember where you were that day when you see the picture.

So here goes – the first few days!

This is about as far as you can get from how I felt 1 week ago, when I secretly thought that I wouldn’t mind meeting a bus with some brake failure.

Not that I wanted to die, per se, just that I was desperate to have that feeling of emptiness, not-knowing-what-to-do with the rest of your life, that sense of “Why now?” and “What for?” that prevented me from being excited about the plans I thought I had in place.

We’ve all had that feeling – when you wake up in a cold sweat at 03:03AM and you begin to realise that your new life plans are not actually going to work out in the way you had expected. When you realise that, well, maybe you hadn’t done enough planning after all.

My moment was in a wooden A-frame hut above a deserted beach on a remote island off Madagascar. I was woken by a solitary drop of water that had crept through the one tiny gap in the leaf-roof and landed smack in the middle of my face. I only waited for one re-drop to confirm the situation, and promptly moved the mattress to the side, and remained dry.

By this time I was, however, awake – giving the mind an opportune moment to re-assess the future. My thoughts got me to the point where I suddenly comprehended the sheer amount of paper-work I would have to do, completely solo, in order to even begin to secure the income that I would need each month. I had that moment of truth where I knew that I had made a mistake and had mis-judged the day-to-day activities of my new business.

By the next morning I had decided that, actually, I’d like to remain on this beach for the next month or so, thank you very much. Somewhere with no responsibilities and no paperwork. At about the same time I twigged that I had nothing holding me back from doing just that – coming back to sit on a Malagasy beach for a month. No work, no lover, no kids no nothing!

Oh … umh… except… a certain play I was taking part in. One directed by my dear mama. Opening in 2 months. I didn’t waste any time sending her an exploratory / admission-of-feelings SMS stating my desire to remain on this beach for the foreseeable future.

It was not received with great enthusiasm.

Fast forward a week: I am back at home. I am depressed (The Holiday Blues x 10) and I still have this feeling that I need to go away. I’m aware it shouldn’t be a running-away “away”, but a more productive “away”.

I still need to get out of the play though – not a desirable task. But one that I feel I need to do sooner rather than later – even if mama is in the hospital. In fact… that’s a brilliant place to do it – they have blood pressure tablets right there! It is, if you think about it, the most sensible place to break the news to her.

But, being the considerate fellow that I have been told I am, I go prepared. I have consulted with friends about potential replacements for my part – and offer this list to the director. She doesn’t want it. I understand, and don’t push the matter. But stay firm in my resolve.

Father, in the meantime, has entered “Son Survival Mode”, and we go have dinner together, where the virtues of delaying my go-anywhere desires are explained to me. Where it is explained to me that using some time for research before I go away is probably a very good idea. The suggested period-of-introflection was 2 months – which would have gelled quite nicely with the time required to finish the play. But that was not to be – as I knew that I could not wait 2 months to go. Finances as they are, will not allow me to take off an unlimited about of time – and starting with a 2 month delay was not a great plan.

I eventually did get the list of names to the director, and my mom ‘released’ me from the production when I mentioned that I would be going to see my shrink again. Something I had initially resisted, but now saw some value in.

It’s funny – in this process of making sure that I am living authentically for myself, and not for anyone else (including my parents and friends), I have twice already had to revise my initial dismissal of what my mom or dad had suggested. They do know well – and I love them for that – but I need to make sure I am now choosing a path that is true for me, and me alone.

I had had a few thoughts about what to do with a month or 2 away from home – go teach English at a small village school on a Malagasy island (do I want to go alone? How long is a good time to go?); to sit on a beach and do nothing (again: alone alone?); go play with my nieces for a few weeks or to… go to Berlin!

I’ve had this need, this persistent voice telling me to go to Berlin – that someone or something is waiting there for me. I can’t explain more than that – it’s just come up too often in the last 2 years for me to ignore.

And so it is that I have decided to finally go. This is the time I have to do this – when will I get a similar chance again? I have realised that Dad’s suggestion of some research-time before I leave, to get some ideas going in my head about what to do upon my return, is actually a good idea. I don’t think it needs to be 2 months – so I’ve given it 1 month, which gives me a tight deadline to work on and motivate me.

I’m going to spend time in Berlin, time with the nieces in Switzerland. Time in London going to that travel show after all (and even if I have nothing much to offer). And to some new destination that I haven’t been before. It’s always important to add a new country to my travels when I can.

So tonight I am excited!
- My accommodation options have fallen into place beautifully in Berlin (I need to sort out 3 nights, but have signed up with couchsurfing to find someone interesting on whose couch I can rest my head);
- I have been strong about not falling into the “family-hop” scenario in Europe where you spend 2 nights in each of 7 places, and your 2 week time is filled up;
- I have decided to visit a close friend in Dubai for a week on my way back – giving me a new destination, and time with her; and
- I’m leaving some days open and unplanned for some spur of the moment travel ideas.

As for the “meaning of life” and “what to do” situation: I have proven to myself again that if you speak to good friends and people you know about what you’re going through and thinking – then answers will begin to flow your way.

My initial fear was that I can only do one type of thing, and will be stuck in that type of job forever. But now I have a number of ideas that I want to pursue – all interesting and do-able. And I need to find the time to research them, and make them happen. It ain’t gonna be easy, but when it all works out, it will be fun times!

So it is, that from being superbly depressed a week ago, I am now actually inspired about what might be. I am not under any illusion that it will be easy – but the process is under way – and maybe this will help me get out of bed in the morning.

In the meantime, I am de-cluttering in the extreme. I need to create space in my life to let the new goodness and ideas in.

So, I am going against my hoarding nature, and have invited friends over for a “give away of my stuff” this weekend. I have created piles of books, bags, crockery and goodie-gats that I actually don’t need – and can be taken free of charge (donations to my “Find Yourself” fund are voluntary). Anything else in my house is negotiable – you can ask for it, and I have the right to say, “no (not yet)”. It already feels liberating – even though everyone knows how attached I am to my 700-odd books!

The next 3 weeks are going to be interesting – and tonight I am looking forward to them. That may change from day to day – but right now I’m revelling in it ☺

The most common response I get when I tell people that I play the part of Banquo is … well … one of those quiet moments when you can see them wracking their brains to try and remember who Banquo is, but (mostly) not quite succeeding. They relax when I tell them that I, too, had forgotten about him.

I understand that he’s not there till the end, but it’s still not really fair – he was there with Macbeth when he first meets the witches – and everyone remembers that scene!

Anyway, it doesn’t phase me – I just hope that everyone will come and see the play and be reminded of what they had forgotten. We’ve set it in the present day – but retained the Bard’s good words.

3 more sleeps and then we have opening night!

There are still some seats left for this weekend 01 and 02 July at the Masque theatre in Muizenberg.

Call during office hours on 021 788 1898 -the tickets are only R60!

The technical rehearsals are always the long and tedious, but very important ones.

On the one hand it is critical for the setting of all light and sound cues. Making sure everyone knows what happens when and how. Of course, we all need to relearn some of our entrances, exits and even re-work some of our on-stage movements (or freezes).

The secondary benefit is that the cast gets to bond a little. By now we’re 4 days away from opening night, so we all know our words and what to expect when – so we spend our ‘waiting time’ chatting and getting to know each other better. This is also a very important part of the show – how we all work together and get on. It is the transition to having fun – which is after all the main reason we all do this for free.

I’m beginnning to get excited and a little nervous now – not as much as I have been in the past, but I suspect that will come this week.

For me, it’s my first Shakespeare, and I’m chuffed that I’ve made it this far. There were moments I wanted to bail; moments where I didn’t think I could get it right. But I reminded myself that I would more regret not giving it a serious go, than by ditching it and going back into my comfort zone.

Once again, it’s shown me how much I learn from my experienced colleagues, and how excited our newer fellow thespians are.

Wish us luck – as Macbeth opens at the Masque theatre in Muizenberg on Friday 01 July 2011.

Bookings during office hours on 021 788 1898

Dead ordinary, 2 pages folded in thirds, stuffed into a long B5 envelope and adorned with a stamp. Then inserted into the long lips of a red post box.

You know, what we used to do a lot before e-mail?

But only, I couldn’t do that today, because the post office was unable to sell me a stamp.

No, in a day age where we have moved so far electronically, that most people send e-mails, and the post office is run on a computerised system, they couldn’t sell me a stamp.

“The system is down”, is all they could say.

The stamps are in the drawer to his left. (I know, I’ve seen them).

The money is in my pocket (yes, there is still).

Yet, because he can’t enter the sale of the stamp into the now-dead machine in front of him, I can’t mail my letters.

I asked why they don’t have a manual system in place at times like this – “there isn’t a manual system”.

It’s at that point that I really understood why the Post Off-ice needs to be privatised. And staffed with proactive people.

Am I the only one amused by this regressive progress? We’ve come so far with technology, that we can’t even go back to the old manual system when the technical one fails.

I’m still flabbergasted.

Quick & Easy – and oh so often overlooked.

Apparently it is about a middle-aged SA man struggling with his latent homosexuality – sounds interestingl i’m looking forward to seeing it.

Happy Monday all

I had lunch with a friend today who’s in website and logo design. Runs her own company – perfect person to pick the brain of – for info on how to start designing my web presence, and just general stuff.

Imagine my surprise when she announced how much she was looking forward to “going corporate” on Monday…!

I guess it’s a change thing – she was using similar words to mine, but for an opposite move. Fascinating, eh?

Maybe you can help too: I’m looking for as many facts about Africa, and interesting titbits, interesting bits of info on anything to do with the continent – and southern Africa in particular.

health, geography, economy, money, art, culture, sports, health, medicine, stars, Firsts, population, politics, transport – you name it. If it’s interesting, i want to know about it

e-mail me

I still get a kick out of casting my vote – the whole process of waiting to get into the venue, scanning of my ID, crossing off my name and then reading through every name on the ballot before making my mark. Even if I’ve decided before hand who to vote for, I always read every name.

But I’ve been disappointed in the last day or so – by at least 3 people who have thought it not worth their while to vote. What makes it worse for me somehow is that they are black and indian – part of the previously not-allowed-to-vote group.

Their reasoning includes the thinking that it won’t make a difference, that they work in government already, so they know first hand that policies are constantly in conflict if she believes in one party, but works under a different one in her post.

We had some discussions about this – including the choice of spoiling your vote – at least you acknowledge the system, even if you don’t like any of the candidates.

I realise that South Africa will reach a level of voter apathy at some point, I suppose I didn’t expect to get faced with it so soon. But let’s what this week’s results show.

I’m still chuffed that we can all vote now – even if not everyone makes use of it.