anger management

i think i have a problem.

i get angry too qickly, too often and i seethe & simmer for too long. (and even though “seethe & simmer” has a fabulous sound to it, it’s not nearly as good in reality…)

i don’t like it, and i don’t like myself like that. and my colleagues certainly don’t like it. i was reminded of it again when i was told that some of my correspondence can be “too aggressive” – which is not the intention at all! occasionally, as an example, when colleagues become impatient at getting an answer from me, which i cannot give until i have heard from a third party, i explain nicely that i am still waiting on an answer. or i explain that i have had a verbal confirmation, but nothing in writing. and i am certainly not going to confirm something in writing if i don’t have it – that would be daft.

when they then continue to nag and nag, and get a senior person to phone, then i become irritated – and may make a comment like, “as the third party is in johannesburg and i am in cape town, i can unfortunately not drive over to their offices to collect the confirmation” – which is then deemed aggressive. but what is one supposed to do?? i have no control over the third person, and i understand that theirclient is getting upset – but what would they like me to do!?

in my position in middle management i sometimes get the feeling that i am stuck in the middle – getting pushed from above and prodded from below – it can be a pretty crappy place to hang out.

anyway – i became very aware of my seething & simmering today (not only because i don’t want it to affect my internal job interview next week) – and took some time out over lunch to read up on anger management. some interesting stuff, and i came back feeling better. (murphy’s law did however dictate that i had a shoddy waiter though… isn’t murphy great…?)

i really thought that coming out would do away with a lot of the angers within me – but maybe it is the job or it’s environment. it is only here that i am really like this.

but apart form this, i’m not sure what to do. i can spend every minute of every day considering exactly how i feel and how i will respond to any stimulus, but will that help? it may help with figuring out the triggers.

i’ll have to try, because i don’t like myself this way.

 

and now – i suddenly have another hour to spend on my own. i was supposed to go grab a bite to eat with a colleague. i didn’t really want to when she asked last week, but i thought it best to keep the peace and hear what she wanted (she’s in the department i may move to). so when tonight she says, “bye!” at 6 instead of, ”come let’s go” i was… surprised. one – that she was cancelling and two – that i was ok with it.

because here’s the rub – should i be glad that i am out of this? – for now, as it will be postponed – thereby lengthening the period to when it is over. or should i be pissed off on principle, as she should have told me sooner – i did after all make plans around this fact.

and as many of you will know, i am a very principled person.

what bugged me today: i, myself

what i learnt today: a little about anger management

what i am grateful for: an hour to myself